You know you haven't been visiting/writing in your blog for a long time when you forget you have an unmoderated comment pending in your comment inbox. Huh.
Anyway, it's been a while since I've been able to really just sit down and post something random here. Guess both me and my blog self have really been on a hiatus for quite some time.
I do get times wherein I just want to write something on this humble pink blog, but nothing seems to really come out the way I want it to. Am I losing my knack at it? Or have I just subconsciously abandoned it? Hm. A question that will most likely remain a mystery.
Or, well, maybe not.
Over these past couple of years, I've been feeling somewhat confined in terms of what I should write both here as well as on Facebook and Twitter. I guess for some reason that the whole idea of publishing things for the whole world to see had become somewhat intimidating for me through these years. Consequently I haven't allowed myself to really let go and write about all the things I really want to write about. I've feared public scrutiny (in more ways than simply through this blog, Facebook and Twitter, mind you), which in turn has led me to become more insecure as a person. Overly careful, some might coin this; or even neurotic. For those of you who really know me, you may perhaps know what I'm talking about, and if you don't -- well, sometimes when I may seem quite calm, inside there might be utter chaos.
This is what I want to do something about, really. Last night I realized this; I had a small equivalent of an epiphany, if you like. What I need to do is really just to pucker up and stand up for myself. It may sound clichéd, but last night the message really came through to me. So yeah, it really dawned on me how influential social acceptance has been in my life up to now. Perhaps it's time to break with some of this. Refrain from worrying about what other people might think of what I believe in and do and just not give a rat's ass about it.
But it's funny, though, to think about how influential other people's regard for you have on yourself. I believe other people influence us more than we are even aware of. I guess mankind is quite pack-oriented. We have the classic dominant personae in our society - both considering society at large as well as in smaller communities, even groups of friends - and we have those that are more, shall we say, subordinate; the people who are guided by the dominant parties and who do little to exert power or influence, seeing as they consider themselves to be a weaker element in the group anyway. Then there are the people inbetween, who are influential to the dominant parties, yet still subordinate per se. I see this division in all kinds of settings, especially in group settings like our group of friends, colleagues, classrooms, even in my own family, though the distribution of these three might vary from group to group.
Ok, this may sound quite tedious to you, but it was quite an eye-opener to me, really.
Anyway, better dash. Off to Bedfordshire soon, just need to pray the rosary first and we'll see if I'll be bothered to stay up any further tonight. :-)
Signing off,
Elise
